The Rooney episode

The Wayne Rooney episode is one that has elicited analyses and theories and gossip from football fans (and dumasses who just like to talk about football to sound cool) from all over the world. And why not? After all going from ” I want to spend my career at this club” to “This club has no ambition, I’m outta here ” followed promptly by “This club is awesome, I am signing a 5 year contract” is not something that happens everyday. Like all the football freaks out there I have my own theories on this matter. While this theory is not exactly likely to be proven right (simply because no one will admit this for the next few decades), it will be backed by some facts which may give some credibility to the theory. The theory may even be told to a few people (which would be totally awesome!) before being entirely rejected (which is of course inevitable and expected).

So here goes. Let me begin by asking you a few questions. Do you remember the last time Sir Alex Ferguson mended a relationship with a player? When was the last time you remember Sir Alex Ferguson brought back a player he had thrown out? When was the last time Sir Alex Ferguson did not react violently to accusations about Man United’s hunger with a good kick in the crotch, a shove out the door and firm slamming of the door on the face of the said person (all metaphor of course)? When was the last time Sir Alex came out in a press conference and said bad things about his players?

Any instances come to mind? None come to mine. In fact several instances come to mind which violate all the stuff I said. He had an issue with Japp Stam, out the door he went, never to return. He had an issue with Beckham, off he went to Real (not to mention got whacked in the head by a shoe). Issue with Cantona, out again, career over. Roy Keane, once described by Sir Alex as the most influential captain in United history and undoubtedly a legend at United , was shown the door most unceremoniously mid-season (!) when he came out and said not so flattering things about members of the United squad. All he said was that some players like Fletcher and O’Shea are useless which is evident to anyone who knows anything about football. But he was shown the door.

Notice something else, none of the these players ever came back to United. A lot of them wanted to, but Sir Alex would have none of it.

All these instances bring me to my theory. Why on earth would Sir Alex change everything about him so suddenly and do everything opposite of what I would have bet my life on while predicting typical Sir Alex behavior? Why would he, for the first time in his 24 year stint at Man United, heck, the first time ever, mend his relationship with a player and sign him?

It was all an act. It was staged.

Don’t look so shocked. It makes perfect sense. Consider this: The Glazers, dickheads that they are, are not putting in funds for football and instead are too busy filling their pockets. Man United is not as rich as it once was. The dickheads have reportedly told Sir Alex he will not have funds available for transfers.

In Rooney’s contract negotiations, the number is bound to have come up. Now Rooney is 25, possibly yet to hit his peak and widely considered one of the best players in the world. Obviously he will expect a better deal than the previous one before putting pen to paper. Actually think about it, anyone (even you and me) would expect something better if we were signing contracts for another  5 years, for anything. Now since the dickheads don’t want to spend on football, probably refuse. Now Sir Alex knows that Rooney will definitely get a good offer from somewhere else and he also knows that it is critical to keep him. He also knows that he needs new players (considering Van Der Sar is eligible for pension almost everywhere in the world, this is pretty obvious).

So here’s what he does. He goes out and says in the press conference, “Rooney wants to leave because we cannot sign new players” Rooney comes out and plays along (he wants that big contract remember) and says, “Yes, the club lacks ambition…no assurance about squad strength in the future etc” Now Sir Alex announces in public that he will discuss matters with David Gill (CEO, MUFC). [I have doubts whether this meeting took place and if it did, they probably discussed the future of this plan.]

Then Gill and SAF go to the dickheads and tell them ” Look you idiots, our best player wants to leave mid-season and his contract runs out next year. If we sell, we’ll get less than 1/4th of his true value. Also if we don’t strengthen the squad, he will leave and no-one new will join. While I know you guys being american and absolutely ignorant about football, are complete retards in this regard, you must understand that we cannot win the league cup, let alone the league with the central midfield pairing of Carrick and Fletcher! Let me explain this to you in terms you understand: we no win, we no make money, you no make money. Got it? Now either give me cash to spend on players and salaries of my current big stars or expect to sell this club at a massive loss to someone soon, as this club will soon be making no money at all.”

I believe this is almost exactly what happened. The dickheads then apparently told Rooney that SAF has 60 m to spend in the summer and that he can get his awesome new contract. So now SAF gets a commitment that he can spend on transfers and he gets his star player tied to a contract for 5 years. So now, even if Rooney really does feel that the club does not have ambition or whatever, Man United will still get a bomb of a price for him as he is on contract for the next 5 years!

See the beauty of it? Even if SAF does not intend to keep Rooney beyond this season, he still wins.

I think this is about the only way to explain the saga. What do you think?

This entry was posted in Lame attempts at humour, Sports, The beautiful game. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to The Rooney episode

  1. Gurdit says:

    This was one of the first things I thought about when I heard about the remarkable hairpin bend that Rooney took at 150kpw (his reported new salary is 150k pounds per week).
    I still am not quite sure what to think of it. Even if it was hoaxed, it would have had to take extraordinary courage from Rooney to risk facing the wrath he did. And of course, if the Glazers didn’t blink, he would have seriously been out.
    The fact of the matter, however, is that Rooney made himself an extremely unpopular figure amongst Man Utd fans, and he’s not likely to receive the unconditional love and adulation we used to shower on him before. He’s going to have to work harder and prove to be worth all the fuss.
    There are huge financial problems at Old Trafford, and though I haven’t been one of the fervent anti-Glazer activists, I’m beginning to think they should sell…the only problem is…who’s going to buy?

    • Aditya says:

      There is absolutely no issue about buyers for Man United. In fact just last year, there was a consortium of very rich people who supported United called ‘Red Knights’ led by Jim Neil (Chief Economist, Goldman Sachs) who were putting together funds to buy United. However this did not work out as they got way too much publicity and thus the value of United went up. They, being hardcore finance guys, refused to buy United at a anything but the fair price.

      So the only issue really is, how the hell does one get the dickheads to sell?

    • Ganesh says:

      An indian poultry firm maybe? 😛 😛

  2. Aditya says:

    It crossed my mind too, when I heard it. My thought were not as coherent as yours, but i thought it was a scam just to sell Rooney at a bigger price at the end of season. We can expect part 2 of this drama around march. But I was not sure about role of dickheads in all this. what u said is quite plausible!

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