Being a fresh graduate out of a B school, naturally one of my dreams is to start a business. After many hours of thinking of ideas and throwing them out the window, I am glad to announce that I finally have my killer B plan. I plan to start an amusement park. I have this vision totally set. This cannot possible fail. Let me take you through it.
This amusement park will be called ‘D’oh Calcutta’.
As you enter, on your left will be the first ride and it will be called “DumDum”. In this ride you will go through vast open spaces filled with nothing and then through cramped spaces filled with rude attendants shouting at you. Then you will be made to get off into a waiting area where there will be no place to sit.
Following this, you will be treated to a game called “Be the taxi driver”. Here you will be put into a simulator where you can step into the shoes of a typical Calcuttan Taxi driver. You will have to cheat passengers at every step of the way, lie blatantly about distances and of course, the most fun part of this ride, you will also get to drive like an absolute maniac and shout at innocent pedestrians for no reason whatsoever.
The first two rides may get your blood pressure up and these days of fast track courts and what not, I cannot risk being sued for heart issues. So the next ride will be nice laid back ride. In this game called “Find something to do”, you will have to roam around for hours on empty streets and look for things to do. Spoiler alert: You will find nothing. The game’s official ending is a violent argument with a zealous bong who will insist that Calcutta has everything any metro has. But don’t tell anyone. (Do note that walking around for hours in my state of the art, artificial humidity induced chamber is bound to be good for your health.)
Then we step up the show with some fun. The next item on the list is not really a ride, but more of a game. And what’s more, it’s one of those interactive games that we all love. The game is called “Cholbe na”. Here’s how it works. You will be hooked into a computer and your task will be to think of the most ridiculous reasons to strike. Mind you, this game is designed for intellectual stimulation, and the usual day-to-day reasons like death of your relative, death of a politician of natural causes or the utter uselessness of Ravi Shastri’s commentary will not be accepted. Once you have got your ridiculous reason to strike, you will have the option to make your idea into a reality. Yes, friends, at D’oh Calcutta, we will put you in touch with the concerned people in Calcutta and you can actually make your strike a reality. Just imagine, you with red flag in hand blocking traffic on a bridge and thus disrupting the lives of millions of unsuspecting citizens all because the Shiv Sena asked Poonam Pandey not to go ahead with her noble cause. Sigh. Heaven!
Once you are rested and mentally stimulated, you are ready for the final rides. The big daddy of all rides at D’oh Calcutta. “Traffic” and “Howrah”
This first ride ie “Traffic” begins with a familiar feeling. You will feel this is a lot like the “Be a taxi driver” ride you tried before, but then you will be hit by a cacophony of car horns and shouts. People will start fighting all around you. You will then get stuck in a traffic jam for 2 hours. In this process, the driver will then proceed to take you to a local station from where you can access the next ride. Quite obviously you will be charged extra for it – but the fun factor really makes it worth it.
The “Howrah” ride starts with a comfortable local train journey with the train suddenly getting crazy crowded. Then the real excitement begins. The train suddenly slows down. You are close to Howrah. You can see the tracks and the boards. The train then takes a good twenty minutes to cover a 100 metres and finally enters the main area of the ride – Howrah. As soon as you enter Howrah, you are thrown off the train into a sea of humanity. A delightful aroma of dried fish, wet fish and human sweat greets you. As you struggle (having wild amounts of fun all the way of course) and reach the end of the platform, a voice yells into the intercom telling you that unlike the instructions provided to you earlier, you are required to go to a place about half a kilometre from your current location. You run around looking for your place. Finally after about 20 minutes of frantic running you reach the place you have to be. But alas, all this is in vain for the next part of the ride will have already left.
This ride is traditionally to be ended by loudly cursing and swearing that you will never, ever visit D’oh Calcutta again.
You will then be given some sandesh and shown the exit. And of course, you will be invited for another fun-filled day at D’oh Calcutta.