Bollywood films based on newspapers

One of the (very few) things we learn at B-School is ‘taking ideas forward’. This mostly happens at group discussions where you have a bunch of to-be managers who don’t have the slightest clue about management and only take each other’s ideas forward. Anyway I digress. The point of this was that I will be taking forward an idea of one of my favourite bloggers, Anand Ramachandran and writing a post that is distinctly less funny than Anand’s post from which this is inspired.

I could have also blamed this on the glorious Indian traditions of taking ‘getting inspired’ very seriously. But oh well, B-school bashing is so much more fun.

In the post, Anand talks of Hollywood movies based on magazines. I thought of extending this idea to newspapers. Particularly the three in front of me right now – The Times of India, The Bombay Times and The Mumbai Mirror.

A film on the Bombay Times would start in a café owned by some Bollywood star, move on to an item number by a fat cricketer which would end with a Bollywood star in a shining silver jacket taking away the girl. Then the film would suddenly cut to a party which will feature cameos by personalities such as Laila furniturewala, Padmini Kolhapure, Zeba Kohli, Poonam Dhillon and Anuj Saxena which would end with a long speech on how homeopathy can increase India’s GDP by 200% by Dr. Batra. The end of the film would a very unintentionally funny confusion-filled scene with random Hollywood stars fluctuating on whether they want to get it on with men or women, two actresses who can’t act to save their lives having a cat fight and to end it all a computer lesson followed by an exciting climax which would end with Mallika Sherawat finding a distributor for her film.

The Mumbai Mirror film would start with a hard hitting realistic story of one man’s struggle against pot holes in Andheri east which would then go on to how a heroic cop saved a monkey from dogs. The story would then, with absolutely no warning, cut to a college romance with an IPL back-story with a Big Boss back-back-story. The film would then meander through uncomfortably detailed depiction of Suri Cruise’s 5th Birthday and then very inappropriately head into an orgy involving actors from successful soaps from Indian TV with Mahendra Watsa presiding over proceedings which would end with an item number by a Bollywood star. The fitting climax is an exciting series of games such as Sudoku, Strikeout, Go figure played by half naked women.

The Times of India. The film would start off with a fire on a train which will then be put out by Anna Hazare only to be started again by Kapil Sibal just to piss Anna off. The fire will eventually be put out by an IPL cheerleader who will then go on to give a powerful speech about some highly questionable scientific concept. Then we will have a song set in Libya with bombs in the background with an IPL cheerleader dancing in the desert. This will then be followed by the IPL cheerleader saving a drowning kid, commenting on tax implications of the new property laws, letting out US military secrets and filing a PIL against clothes for IPL cheerleaders. The movie would then end with the inspiring story an of IPL cheerleader who acquires an 80 year old TV business and then goes on to buy the IPL and makes it into the Indian Cheering League which had Cheerleaders dancing on the ground with cricketers playing outside the boundary ropes for the entertainment of fans between songs.

Yes, I know this wasn’t all that funny. If you want real humour check out Anand’s blog, what are you doing here?

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One Response to Bollywood films based on newspapers

  1. abhishek joshi says:

    lol! aside, i cant manage to recharge my phone online cos the bloody east zone has been disowned by online recharge sites. Will call ya when I get it done. btw, my incoming is free. Do call up sometime. 🙂

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